All day, I have been putting off leaving the house. I have been doing anything to avoid actually going outside. I have watched my computer de-fragment, I have done two loads of washing, I have even paired my socks, but why? Well, the head gasket of my car has gone, so it’s in the garage. I have not left the house because of my dislike of walking anywhere, oh no, but because the car I have while mine is in for repair is quite honestly ghastly.

The Vauxhall Insignia SRI is currently sat in a pool of ice, outside my house and this is the sole reason why I have been avoiding going out during daylight hours. It is, quite possibly the ugliest thing in the world. Janet Street Porter would look better with wheels than the bodywork of what is apparently, Vauxhall’s flagship. I watched my neighbours children pass this car and try to cross their threshold but not until they were violently sick on the doorstep.

Quite how I managed to park this car in a pool of ice is beyond me, according to a button and a little light on the dashboard the Insignia has traction control but not as we know it. From what i can fathom, all the button does is switch the light on and off, and it doesn’t do that particularly well. As with any Vauxhall, when you push a button it feels as if its going to disintegrate at the slightest touch… indeed the mirror control fell off in my hand! Whether this safety device is on or off, the wheels spin and the car slips and slides at the slightest notion of a slippery surface, useless is not the word, crap? pointless? waste of time?

So what about the feel of the car, well it feels as if the suspension has been made from oak, not because it is solid but because there isn’t any. I know I have been spoiled by the ride comfort of a 4×4 but really? is ‘normal’ suspension supposed to be this uncomfortable? Because of the lack of movement in the supposedly bouncy parts of the car, every pebble in the road makes it skip off course, the back hops about like a school boy playing in snow for the first time and appears to be connected to the front by dental floss - I have never experienced scuttle shake in a saloon, I think this could be a world first! Now for the driving position, with a seat that goes up and down, a knee extension and multi position lumbar support, coupled with an inny outy uppy downy steering wheel you might think that a comfortable driving position could be found, but after 10 minutes I couldn’t find one… oh and the peddles are very small and too close together.

None of the controls are where you feel they should be - the stalks are too high in comparison to your steering position, so you miss the indicator. The centre console is too far away and the temperature control is on the wrong side. The stereo lacks fidelity and because of the “styling”, if you can call it that, there is no useable antenna, therefore it struggles to even pick up the strongest signals. The seatbelt lock is too low, it doesn’t fall to hand but if you give up rummaging for it underneath the seat that infernal beeping noise that says “Mr Brown says buckle up” seems to get louder and louder.

To round up then, a car with an impressive name ‘Insignia’ speaks of the kind of pedigree you would associate with the Overfinch styled or Autograph range of Landrovers, it tells of something special, meaningful or with some class about it. I think I might write to trading standards, as the name, represents the package like “wonderful kind clever caring man” describes Gordon ‘what the hell is that thing he does with his mouth’ Brown. The Vauxhall Intestine might be a better name for it because driving it makes you want to bring yours up and it is full of S**t.